...and thanks for all the fish!
It's kind of ironic. I never got to finish this project. Ever since I remember I always wanted to be independent. Have my own little haven where I could go my way and do things my way. I always had dozens of ideas on what I'd do with it. And it's always been an ongoing process. Sometimes I would learn new things and scrap any past ideas. Sometimes I'd stumble and simply crawl the way back onto my feet. Sometimes I'd spend weeks or months (or years...) obsessed with something I'd want to achieve until I finally managed to do it. I'd pick something up and if it made *cling*, I'd stick with it until I got the hang of it.
And it seemed like a good way. It didn't require luck. Nor anything else that would be beyond my control. It required effort. Genuine effort. And a lot of googling :-)
It's a lonely road, though, and I started to walk it way too early. Mostly for reasons a few of you reading this will know of, but ultimately it was still a choice I made. A wrong one. Happens. I realized this 2 years ago. What followed was a wicked ride on which I'd trip more often than I can count. And feel miserable. Then stand back up and feel good. Instead of being in a stable comfort zone one could I say finally started living anew. I'd discover friends I've had all along and I'd finally fall in love again.
Things started being valuable again. Not directly to me personally, though. Here's the thing about all those "A layman's guide to being happy" kind of books: I'd shrug them off. It's just cliches, right? Oversimplifications of reality. And yet - "simple" turned out to be keyword. The things that would become valuable were the minor ones. And their value wouldn't be determined by me but through the interactions and relationships I had with others. The things that would matter were the ones that had an impact on others. I could stop focusing solely on myself and, ironically, be happier. I would achieve more without having to push my limits anymore because there were more people to appreciate it. And it felt glorious.
For a while.
'Tis one of the two the most important lessons I learned to date. The other one followed later, albeit through a combination of bad timing (or call it bad luck if you will) and the "head in the clouds" syndrome I had - a bit too late. I left my own little peaceful haven completely in the past. I set out with guns blazing while failing to replace the goals and values I myself had with new ones. Personal ones. Independent of others. Egoistic, if you want to be precise. Never do that. Nope. Wrong. Personal newsflash (feel free to skip the channel since this is old news to most): It's an act of balance. Never be an island. And never be the ocean either.
And that's all. Sorry if you hoped for actual wisdom.
Thanks to everyone I met on my way(s). Sorry to everyone I let down. And sorry for turning out to be such a selfish cunt in the end. I wish you all the best. Meet me at the bar on the other side. I'm buying. Assuming they also need programmers there. If not, bring your own booze.